Day 9...Is this the dream I dreamed of


I tried... that in the end of the day is the fact that I have to cling onto....
I got up and plodded onwards and upwards.

The fact that it was for only a few miles killed me....

The fact that I could not push my bike any further up the cobbled hell is a source of utter disappointment to me...

The fact that my body is not sorting itself out is frankly pissing me off ...

The glass half full, developed a hole and was suddenly empty.

I sat on a bench and hit rock bottom


.......


I have been here before many times, each time it seems inescapable... each time it seems like worse than any before.
I read messages from friends, all with faith that I do not have at this point, all seeing things that I do not see. This is the hell of the path I have chosen... this is what I got into this for....the struggle IS the point. Yet at the point, I do not see it for that. Irony in full flight.

The beauty of my surroundings do not go ignored, they shimmer on the edge of my despair, make it worse without caring.

How easy it is to have conviction before the day actually starts??

The day had its moments...
the first hummingbird I have seen here... a flash of green and then gone.
A chat with a shop owner in pidgeon Spanish, yet managing to converse and understand.
Watching a cyclist taking on the cobbles...
Turning round to see the road drop away below me, Otavalo far below and a volcano on the other side of the valley reaching up into the sky.

Is this the dream I dreamed of?

And yet tomorrow, despite the despair and empty glass, I will plod upwards, hopefully with renewed determination.

The knowledge that although I stopped, I did not turn round and retrace the path downwards, will hopefully fortify me in the day to come


Comments

  1. bekikerkman16 September 2019 at 15:13

    How are you such a poet when you are feeling crap? Amazing. Keep on keeping on!

    ReplyDelete

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